This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
