hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
