My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
