I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
