i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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