he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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