I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
