ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
