I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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