ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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