In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
