I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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