things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
