This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
