I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
