dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
