you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize