Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
