my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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