She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
