just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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