So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
