Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
