at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
