Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
