Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize