So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
