Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
