I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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