Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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