i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
