Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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