rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
