erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
