Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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