My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize