I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
