the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
