The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
