I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He did a backflip because drugs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
