they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
