I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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