Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
