the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
