i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
