I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize