I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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