FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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