I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
