is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
