Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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