apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
