Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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