He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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