come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
