Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
