I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I deserve this hangover.
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