Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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