Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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